While parents worry about the birds and the bees talk, cancer parents worry about the cancer talk. The dreadful talk of diagnosis, treatment, life after treatment, potential secondary effects, relapse and death.  Ariana went through the excruciating physical treatment and I went through the emotional/psychological trauma right beside her. As a parent when your child is sick you feel completely distraught and lost. You wish you could take away their illness and go through it yourself . I don’t think anyone can even imagine nor understand how cancer parents feel unless they’ve lived this nightmare. Every tear, poke, fever, chemo, bone pain, stomach aches, emergency room visit, the list could go on forever hurts in the deepest places of your soul. The horrific rollercoaster of emotions you live every second of the day can not even be described.

When Ariana was diagnosed I thought it was a huge blessing she would not remember most of her treatment. I would remember this phase of her life but she wouldn’t and we would never have to talk about it. Once she beat this we were done with it forever. Reality is once cancer knocks on your door it’s part of your life forever. Cancer does not define our children but it certainly shapes who they are. I quickly realized this was part of our lives and we could not sweep cancer under the rug. Ariana would one day know her story.

Once treatment ended, the follow ups with Hemoc/ Oncologist would continue until adulthood.For the first couple of years the visits would be more frequent. Once the five year marker was reached her care would be transitioned to a different team within the hospital. Little did I know that the introduction process began 2 years off treatment. This past March we were scheduled to meet with the survivorship team. As I prepared for our long appointment I couldn’t help but feel consumed by my fears. Fears of going over every excruciating detail from the beginning of this journey to present day all while Ariana was present. Would I be strong enough to not break down in tears and expose my fears to my child? In the last year, Ariana had been questioning our visits to children’s hospital, why her cousins didn’t have a port , her bald head in pictures and all the events we participated in during the holidays. As the questions have come I have answered them as best as possible (age appropriate per Oncology team recommendation). Ariana knew she had been sick for a long while and required “treatment” to get better. The medicine she took “chemo” made her hair fall out. Which is why there are bald pictures of her at 3 years old.

The oncologist had talked to her back when she finished treatment. Ariana at 3 had questions no 3 year old should ever have to ask. She listened to the oncologist, had her concerns and questions answered and her inquisitive nature was calmed for a while. I have never used the word cancer with her because we were told to wait until she could actually understand what it meant.

The week of her appointment one of the vocabulary words was WIG. The teacher was out and in their daily review Ariana shared with the class that medicine had once caused her hair to fall out. The substitute teacher then asked if she had CANCER?! Why would anyone ask a kindergartner this?!!!

I didn’t find out until the next day as I was getting her ready for school what had been discussed. As I styled her curly hair she asked me “Do I have this terrible illness that starts with the letter C?”.  She then proceeded to tell me about the above incident. I always had imagined more time to prepare for this talk but here it was 10 minutes before running out the door. I took the deepest breath of my life to reply. I was furious with this stranger. Upset she didn’t tell me when we talked about her day after school. But I had to set all those emotions aside. I explained to Ariana that the illness she had was Leukemia and it was a type of Cancer. She had gone through lengthy treatment but she was healthy now. I opened the floor for questions and concerns. I didn’t feel prepared but realized it was time whether I liked it or not.