It is hard to believe that tomorrow is the first day of September. September is childhood cancer awareness month. Twenty-three months ago I had no clue. I use to hear the word cancer and immediately picture the elderly. Cancer does not discriminate and it can happen to anyone at any point in their life. Little did I know my own child would face the wrath that is cancer. As the parent of a cancer child I can not emphasize how many times I wished to switch places with her. I am not the one receiving the treatment first hand but I feel like I do. Every poke, transfusion, fever, tear, chemotherapy, lumbar puncture, surgery, and steroid rage have taken its toll on me. My marriage, health and my perspective on life have all changed.
No marriage is perfect and it takes a lot of work and effort to keep it together. When you child has just been diagnosed with cancer you feel like your living in a nightmare.You go to sleep thinking that the next day you will wake up from this but you wake up to your child balding. Reality hits you in the face and you have tons of emotions and sometimes this can affect a couple. It is really hard to remember that you are a wife, woman, daughter, and a friend when all your energy is directed at making your child as comfortable as possible.
As a caregiver and mommy it is quite hard to make time to go to the doctors. The first 8 months of Ariana’s treatment I went full force. Speaking with other caregivers they describe it as a adrenaline high. When we entered Maintenance (meaning we would be going once a month to the hospital vs almost everyday) all of my energy seemed to plummet and I began to feel depleted. I never had insomnia and now all I could do was think about cancer at night. I did not want to leave my daughter’s side and when I finally got out of my home I felt extremely guilty. I found great comfort from a support group at the local cancer center (WeSpark).
Some days I long for my past life. A life where going to the park, museum, ballet class or any activity involving other people was enjoyable. Those days were robbed by cancer. After being discharged from the hospital after diagnosis, Ariana and I went into isolation for approximately 8 months. Chemotherapy kills the bad cells and also the good ones. In turn, the patient becomes neutropenic and is highly susceptible to all illnesses (bacterial or viral). We could only interact with adults who had not been sick or felt sick.My husband works full time and although I have a loving and caring family, they have children and a life of their own. Cancer isolated us from the outside world. I had never stopped to think how fortunate I was to be able to go to the grocery store before cancer. Now any contact with the outside world was a risk. A risk that she could contract any sort of illness and have to be hospitalized and pumped antibiotics for days. This is a fear that today, 23 months into treatment I still have. It is beyond me why anyone would send their sick child to school or dance. Non Cancer parents throw a fit when their child gets a cold, now imagine what we feel. A fever means an immediate visit to the emergency room, labs, and tons of intravenous antibiotics and potential hospitalization.
Life has taught me that tomorrow is not guaranteed. We need to learn how to live in the present and enjoy every moment. The next time you are upset over someone cutting you off or spilling coffee on yourself on the way to work remember that there is a child out there hospitalized getting chemo and smiling. I ask that the next time you are having a bad day you stop and think how good you have it.